The Search for Perfection – My Journey

Here in front of me now, I have a blank slate.

When my life first started, it too was a blank slate.

Throughout the years, I have added to it and shaped my life into what it is today and who I will become tomorrow.

 

The thing is though…

 

…I never knew until recently that I was in control of my life

 

I often blamed others for my problems…because they influenced me…

…sometimes I felt like I didnt have a choice…

Their arrogance caused me to believe that they were right and I was wrong…

 

My entire life, I have been afraid…afraid to be me…

 

I always looked toward others to show me how to live a good and fulfilling life…

 

…I believed their lies…

 

…They acted like their life was better, so I believed them

…They acted like they were smarter so I believed them

…They acted like they were better looking so I believed them

…They acted like they were right, so I believed them

Some of these people, today, I realize should not be held responsible for my failures in life

They did not force me to follow…I followed because I chose to…because I had low self-esteem, but ultimately, it was my choice…

 

My Best Friend

For the sake of discretion, I will not mention names in this blog post, but many years ago I met a guy who became my best friend…

When I met him, he was everything I thought I wanted to be…

females would “flock” to him…he had a way with women…he could get any girl it seemed to do anything he wanted them to do, just by being himself…

…so naturally I come along and want to know the secret…slowly I became just like him

…anyone, who’s ever opened the book of “game (Being a cassanova)”, would realize that “manipulating” women into falling head over heels for you is a process that I would not consider very ethical…”The Game” involves lies, deceipt, and often times treating women like dirt…if not at first, in the end, they always leave hurt…some of them to the degree of what seems like beyond repair…and the poor girls who always believe in you, spend their entire life wondering what “they” did wrong…

…but I played into this game…oh yes…

…If you ever heard the expression that girls always go after the “bad-boy” or the “a-hole”, I am here to tell you that for most women, that’s true…as sick as it sounds…

Today, I am a gentleman…kind and caring…in fact, I always was…

…The “player” was an act…but I can tell you, that far more women were interested in me back than than they are today, even though I feel any woman who got with me today would be the luckiest girl on Earth, and anyone who was with me back then, the most miserable.

 

The First Love

I’ve heard women say in the past, when asked why they would get with a bad boy/player type, some of them have told me that they believe that maybe they could be the one to change him…

Well a long time ago, I met that girl…

I did what no player should do…I broke the “cardinal” rule…I fell in Love with her

Needless to say, when she left me, for the first time, my heart felt the pain that I inflicted on many others before…

…and then, I became the victim…

The question I can ask is why did I fall in love with her in the first place?

Truth is, I’m not sure if she put on an act, or if I did, but either way, I know that once I fell, to me, she became that “perfect” person…

She was the only one I wanted…she was always right…she was always honest…she was always caring…

I put her up on a pedestal so high, that I could not see the truth…

After our breakup, I had never stopped loving her…and I had never stopped believing that maybe somehow it was my fault…

She was always better than me, so I thought

After over 8 years of not talking, the other day, she randomly called and we hung out for the first time since our breakup…

…but it wasn’t the same…

…so much time had passed that I didnt see the “fantasy” of her anymore…I saw the real her

I was “blinded” by Love in the past…I saw what I wanted to see…I saw a girl who could do no wrong, who could love me as I loved her, and who could be a positive change in my life…

…but when enough time passes and you take that second look, sometimes you’d be surprised at what you see…

…we have absolutely nothing in common…For the last 8 years, I have been working hard to better my life and I feel I have come a long way…I try to stay healthy…take care of my body, take care of my SOUL…I try to be honest, I try to do the Lord’s work…I try to be peaceful, loving, and forgiving…

Truthfully, when we hung out, I realized that she simply didn’t

…she has a lot of great qualities…everyone does…she also has bad qualities…I’m sure everyone does too…

…I just didnt see her bad qualities until now…

…for many years I was mad at her for breaking my heart…but now, I understand, that it was me who allowed it to be broken…

I expected her to be something she wasn’t…I failed to see the REAL her…

She was the same girl all along…I just didnt want to see it…

…and that’s when it hit me…

My life is up to me…I have the right to be the person I want to be…as others have the right to be the person that they want to be…and both my failures and successes are because of no one else but myself…

…For the longest time, I didnt know that…

…Truth is, I looked to this girl, whom I was madly in love with to “save me”…I wanted her to help me to be a better person…and than I became mad at her when she failed…when she did what I felt “betrayed” me

…Now I know…that I betrayed myself

 

The Rest of the World

It has always been hard for me to fit in

In the beginning of my life, it was because I felt I wasn’t good enough

and then later, after I got angry enough at them, it was because I felt like I was too good…

 

What it really boiled down to was acceptance…

 

…accepting who I am and being comfortable with that

…and accepting who they are and being comfortable with that

 

We are all in charge of our own DESTINY!

God will often try to guide us and show us the right path,

but ultimately we decide!

 

– Post also available at http://chaifamilybiz.empowernetwork.com/blog/the-search-for-perfection-my-journey