Love Anyway – The hardest 3 and a half years of my Life

I know it’s been awhile since I posted in my blog.

The truth is that I went through one of the darkest times in the history of my life.

I stand here defeated. Humbled by people. Humbled by Life. Humbled before God.

Love Actually

I just watched the movie “Love Actually” and it inspired me to write this.

Part of me remembers it as a movie that my ex-wife suggested to me back when we were newlyweds (what seems like a long time ago now).

Another movie (I watched months ago) was another movie she had recommended to me called “Crazy Stupid Love”. At the time, I guess the “macho” side of me took over and I brushed it off as a chick flick. Because of that, we had never got around to watching it when we were married. When I actually watched the movie though I wish we had gotten around to watching it together. I shouldn’t have pre-judged it.

I learned a lot of valuable life lessons from both of these movies.

I realize now that although my heart has been “hardened” beyond a point that I sometimes feel is repairable, for some strange reason, I still feel love.

Pain and suffering

In just 2 short months from now, it will be the four year anniversary of when I last spoke to my now ex wife…I mean really spoke to her. That was the day that she pushed me out of her life and then eventually out of our marriage.

We had only been officially married for 2 and a half months when this happened and just about 9 months before that was when we had met in person for the first time; and two months before that was when we talked online for the first time.

Many people say that I got married too fast and I should’ve seen this coming. Perhaps they are right. It was rather fast but when you know you love someone, you just know. When you know that God was the matchmaker here, you just knew.

Her

I’m not sure why I titled this section “her”. I guess that’s just how I feel. To me, she is “her”. I had been in love before. A long time ago, but it was puppy love. I loved the image of a girl named Alyssa. I did not love the person. Rather I loved who I thought she was.

When I met Coral however, that all changed. I knew she was the one. We both did. I still believe that till today. Maybe I’m wrong. Sometimes I feel it’s possible she didn’t truly love me. Maybe she did. That’s the thing. I thought I knew her but maybe I didn’t. No, I refuse to believe that. I did know her.

So the question keeps ringing in my mind if it was real why wasn’t our love strong enough to overcome the dividing and destructive power of what we call the family law court system. It drove a wedge between us. I thought we’d be stronger than that wedge but we weren’t. The wedge won. I can now say that I was wrong. Maybe it was another fantasy. Maybe she wasn’t who I thought.

Anger is just a form of love

I was angry. I was angry at a lot of things. While our court case was going on I was angry at Coral for doing this. I was angry at her attorney. I was angry at the judge. I was angry at the whole entire family law system in fact. Finally I was angry at the world for allowing such a system to exist. I never fully got over that anger, however today I no longer let it gain hold of me.

While the court case was going on, I said terrible things to my wife (at the time). One of them was a curse. Since she was making my life and my family’s life miserable, I wanted her to be miserable too. However, in the process, I ended up cursing myself.

My life has never been the same since my divorce. I felt like I lost everything. I lost my wife, my home, my freedom, my optimism, many things. My Parents suffered too and are continuing to suffer even today. My ex wife, her attorney, and the judge ruined my life. For a long time, I wasn’t only mad at them, I was mad at the world. I lost my faith in humanity itself. I noticed how broken the world was: The family law system, the political system, etc. I saw how much sin was in the world. God was my peace and salvation.

I cut the whole world off. I stopped talking to virtually all of my friends…even friends I had known since childhood. I lost my faith in humanity. But I also loved and still continue to Love the one Truth that I’ve ever had in my life. The one friend that has never let me down. The one person who has never stopped loving me and I him. God.

But I feel like I’ve let him down. “Love your neighbor as yourself” he said. But I hated my “neighbor”. I hated everyone for so long. The world treated me so badly. All my life, the world took from me and never gave back. All my life the world never treated me fairly (When I say the world I mean society).

A new dimension

I’m not sure why I am writing this now. I have lost hope in everything. When you lose hope, you lose drive. What reason do I have to do anything. I feel like everything I do is unappreciated. Everything I do benefits others but never myself. I’m trying to write from the heart but I can’t even do that right. But I love myself. I know that deep inside the real me still exists. A giant. I am that giant. I have always been. But society has always kept me down. I’ve always been afraid…too afraid to be myself. Because deep down inside I feel like I’m not like others. But then I am. In real life, I am a lot like others. I’ve never been better and I’ve never been worse.

I grew up with NPD but later, through the help of God, was able to get rid of it. My ex wife had NPD too I’m pretty sure (even though she never actually got diagnosed for it). The truth is I loved her. I tried to show it but I don’t know if I ever succeeded. I think she knew. I think in a different existence/dimension things could have turned out differently.

One Love rule stopping me from moving on

I made a vow. In sickness and in health, all the days of my life. Call me an old-timer at heart but I cannot break that promise now. Why did I promise that knowing that “forever” to me, indeed meant forever. After everything that’s happened, would I even take her back if she wanted that? After all that’s happened, could I ever trust her again, let alone, sleep in the same bed with her again? I’m not sure. But what I do know is that I made a promise.

I made another promise to her back when we were married. I told her that I was strapped into the ship we were on (our marriage) and that if that ship sank, I would sink with it. But, after I had lost what seemed like everything, God sent me a life-raft. He left me a very small amount of money and a home with my parents. He didn’t let me sink. But now, I’m confused because I should be dead but I’m not. I feel dead inside sometimes, yet other times so alive. I’ve never felt like this before. I can’t say this is the lowest point of my life because it’s also the highest. I know what you are thinking. This page is full of contradictions but honestly it reflects what I feel very well. In fact, I think it reflects society/”life” very well too. Is this blog post going to turn into the endless ramblings of a madman? No, I’m not mad. In fact, I’ve never felt wiser. I’ve never felt more seasoned. But I’ve also never felt so low and depressed.

This woman walked into my life for less than a year, but I made a promise to her. I made that promise to her because I knew her…at least I thought I did…but no, I argue that I did indeed know HER. The true her. Maybe she didn’t even know (and possibly still doesn’t know) herself. But I am convinced I knew her. She was smarter than this. We both were. But we second guessed ourselves and let society win.

A rock and a hard place

I’m in a hard place right now. I’m trapped because of my vows, which as a man of honor (that I am), I can’t break. I don’t believe in divorce. Neither did she for that matter. To both of us, it meant forever but we must’ve forgotten that. It wasn’t all her fault. I threw out the “D” word many times during our marriage when we got into fights. I was naive because I didn’t expect it to happen, but it did.

Some of you may say to move on. Well, I’m trying to move on with my life but my vows are preventing me from moving on to another woman. I know there are a lot of great, beautiful, talented, faithful women out there, and I admit sometimes I get jealous of the men that they find in their life. Because I wasn’t so lucky with my woman. But she was still my woman. And I guess, unfortunately for me, she may always be because I made a promise, and I don’t break my promises. But it’s not fair to the others. I know somewhere out there may exist the woman who’s waiting for someone like me. But I cannot get myself to search for her, nor have I given any woman who is searching the ability to find me. No, instead I have locked myself away in my house for the last 3 and a half years.

Some of you may wonder why. Did I have a mental breakdown? No. I did get diagnosed with PTSD but what’s a label anyway? Yes, what I went through was a very traumatic experience. It was an evil court case. Perhaps even my ex wife is evil (although I don’t believe it because I knew her. No I am not in denial. I knew. Even if she didn’t.)

The truth is I married her, I took a vow, and now I am stuck with it. I don’t know what to do. I may now die alone. Even though I know that there is another great girl out there who may be everything I want in a woman. Everything I wanted in my ex wife. Is that really fair to her though? Is it really fair to that woman who I don’t know who may be waiting for a man like me and I waiting for a woman like her…is it really fair to just push any chances of us ever meeting or ever being together right out the window just because of a woman who I was once married to. No, It is not fair to that person out there if she exists. For that, to that person, I want to say that I am sorry.

Honestly though a part of me wants to open up and give that girl a chance, wherever she may be. But what would that mean for my promises? What would that mean for my definition of “forever”? Should I chain and shackle myself yet again simply because of a promise I made to my ex wife?

I can hardly write because I feel the battle raging inside of me. I want to give a new woman a chance. I believe I will for her sake. Somewhere out there I know there’s a woman who deserves it. So I may do it for her. But if I ever fell in love again or say I got married again, what would my promises mean? I don’t consider vows or promises temporary. So in all honesty, I am going to say it now. I know it will never happen (unless by a miracle by God which I am not ruling out) but I honestly hope that God can make that next woman I meet Coral. I forgive her. I forgave her long ago. I married her and I don’t take marriage lightly. I hope someday we can work out our differences. I hope someday we can start from scratch. I hope someday I can do all the things for her that I was never able to do and say all the things to her that I was never able to say and vice versa. But that is just a dream. Probably won’t happen.

“What God has joined together let no man separate”. However, Coral would need to change too. We both needed to change. Maybe she has already. I’m not sure. But I’m sure about one thing: I sure have changed.

Coral did a lot of damage in my life. A lot. But she is the woman I married. She is the woman I made vows to.

She will probably never come back and even if she did, it would be very hard for me to ever trust her again. Although we did sort of skip a lot of magic moments. I never got on my knee to her and proposed. I never got to travel with her because of my panic attacks. How I wish she could have gone on that bike ride through Sacramento, Davis, and Dixon with me months ago. I don’t have much left now, except for me. I had far more to offer before. At least I think I did. I gave Coral all of me. Many may call it a mistake. I still don’t think so. I didn’t make a mistake because it was my destiny. This suffering now is also my destiny.

Many years ago, I used to treat women like dirt and could have gotten practically any girl I wanted. But then Coral came into the picture and I wanted her to know that I was hers and hers only. I didn’t make a mistake.

We all must suffer. God had to suffer. Now I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. But I’m not. I’m carrying the weight of my world on my shoulders. And it is heavy. Lord God, help me through this. I have no way out except through you.