Is she healed?

It’s been a little while since I wrote in my blog, but here I am.

Something unexpected happened today. However, it’s not necessarily the thing that was unexpected that is causing me to write this. It’s the possible hidden meaning behind the unexpected thing that happened.

Let me explain.

A Card to my Daughter:

So now that I’m probably leaving you guys in suspense, I will go ahead and just tell you what happened.

For those of you that know me, you know that I went through a brutal divorce that started around 5 years ago.

The court case ended around 8 months later and that was the last time I ever saw my now ex-wife.

However, something unexpected just happened today. My daughter called my parents and I on the phone and told us that she had received a card in the mail from my ex wife. In it, there were gift cards and such for her to use for her school and shopping needs.

You can imagine my surprise when I heard this. Even my parents were shocked.

…but that’s not why I’m writing this.

Hope

The reason that I’m writing this is because of something my daughter told me that the card said. I’ve been kicking it around in my mind all day and it brings me to one word – “hope”.

Hope in what you may ask?

Well, hope in a lot of things…however, the most specific thing I am hoping for is that my (ex)wife is healed.

NPD

While I was a teenager and on into my early 20s, I had a condition called narcissistic personality disorder. I didn’t realize it at the time but was unofficially diagnosed with it in hindsight.

However, I was healed from it.

The journey started in 2005. My life was at an all time low (at the time). I had just broken up with my ex-gf Alyssa and on top of that my daughter’s mom was trying to take full custody of my daughter.

I prayed on it and felt that God was calling me to move far away. I felt that he wanted to work on me but he didn’t want to do it where I was. I felt that he was calling me elsewhere…but where?

I decided to take out a map of the U.S. and sprawl it on my bedroom floor. I then took a pen and flicked it on the map, but before I did, I told myself that I would move wherever the tip of the pen ended up. Needless to say, it landed in Fort Worth, TX. Within 6 months, I had packed all my things into my car and started the long roadtrip out there.

I didn’t know anyone there, so before I left, I looked on Craigslist for a place to rent and ended up finding one.

I lived in Texas for several years but it seemed like a lifetime. Sometimes I call it my “cocoon” because while I was there, I was learning and growing in ways I never had. Even though I was only there for several years, it seemed like much longer (such as 10 or 15 years).

I made an effort not to date or get into any relationships while I was out there. God was using that time to heal me from my debilitating problem.

I spent every day with God while I was in Texas. He led me through signs, etc and I followed the path that he laid out for me. God taught me how to become a better person and broke me of my NPD. It took a lot of pain, suffering, sacrifice, discipline, etc but after several years, I was finally cured.

God then let me know that it was time to go back home to California.

My Soul Mate

Once I got back home to California, things got tough. I started an epic legal battle with the mother of my child. However, through it, I was able to gain joint custody and prevent her mother from having full time control over my daughter like she wanted.

The one thing that kept me going almost my entire life was thinking about my soul mate. Do you believe in soul mates? I always did (I’m not so sure if I still do now…but then…wait…yes, I still do…maybe other people just have more luck with theirs I guess)

It was the thought about that girl that I would one day meet that kept me going through all the hardships (throughout my young adulthood, through my time in the army, my time in Texas, through the legal battle for my daughter, etc).

Many years passed, but the moment I was waiting for was approaching. After gaining joint custody of my daughter, I ended up moving to a nearby city. I got into a few relationships but I knew that those girls were not my soul mates.

…Then after several years, God let me know that it was time for me to meet her. It was finally time to meet my soul mate. “But only in body” he said. He told me that she would have to go through a metamorphosis similar to the one that I went through in Texas before she would become my true soul mate (spiritually and emotionally). In other words, she would need to complete his “lesson plan” before she would be my soul mate in more than just body. That’s what I gathered God meant. He also told me that I still wasn’t done with the “lesson plan” yet either. He still had more healing to do apparently…in both of our lives. (Needless to say, a short while later I met her just as he said I would.)

I don’t believe that the divorce court case was an accident. I believe that God was using this court case as a tool to heal us. However, I don’t think that he wanted the divorce to actually go through. He was probably hoping that we would just grow from the experience but ultimately stay together. However, as you already know, it didn’t work out that way.

Hope for the future

So now…the story brings us to this point. It’s been about 5 years since I’ve heard a peep out of my ex wife…and now…my daughter got a card from her in the mail.

It’s not so much the card in the mail though but the hidden meaning behind what she did and what was said in the card.

Being the former psychology major that I was in school, I’m naturally inclined to think to myself what might have drove her to do that?

…and then it donned on me.

I did something similar to the people I hurt in the past.

As you recall, I was once a narcissist, and being such, I hurt many females that I dated. I’m not happy about it but I wasn’t a very good person in my past. I broke many hearts.

…but I never forgot.

Part of my training in Texas (God’s training for me) was to put myself in their shoes. He showed me how they felt and how much I hurt them. Needless to say, I tracked down almost every single one and sent them a letter or an email saying that I was sorry for the pain I caused. Many were shocked that I was apologizing, but I did.

For the longest time I blamed others for the pain that I caused (as this is a narcissist’s main problem) but God opened my eyes and my heart and showed me the truth. When I saw the truth I apologized.

So I can’t help but wondering…

Did God save my ex-wife like he saved me?

I always told my ex wife that we came from the same “mold” when God made us. I still believe that.

Did God save her?

This is the biggest question on my mind right now. I can’t think of any other scenario in which she would have sent a card like that to my daughter. To make it even more intriguing, she didn’t even attempt to hide her return address (not that I care. I told my daughter not to give it to me)…however the fact that she didn’t hide it is intriguing.

…but it’s the words that my daughter told me she said that is the most intriguing. Apparently my ex wife apologized to my daughter for the pain that she caused.

Was it similar to the way I apologized to the people I’ve hurt? Was I just some random person to my ex wife in her “cog of exes”…or something more?

All I know is this…

There’s only one way that my ex wife would do something like what she did, say what she said, and include a return address.

She’s been healed.

Conclusion:

If nothing else ever comes from this, I am at least happy that God has healed her if he did. Even though things didn’t work out between us, I really did love her and want her to be happy. I care(d) about her more than myself and I do hope that she found happiness and healing in her life, even if not with me.

P.S. I’ve kept some posts hidden for awhile because I didn’t want anyone to read them. One was written after my divorce and the other was written a couple of years ago I think. Anyway, I decided to make them visible for the first time. I previously didn’t want anyone to read them out of fear because they contain my very personal thoughts and feelings in regards to my divorce but I feel that it is ok to release them now. Enjoy.

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